the roadmap to moving on

I get a little overwhelmed sometimes. This is kind of a new thing for me. I'm an active girl and I keep busy. And I mean BUSY. A full time day job PLUS I teach improv classes; I write/direct/produce sketch comedy; and if I'm lucky, I get a dinner theater acting gig. And then there are the social obligations. I'm rarely home. My cat, if he could speak, would attest to that. I like to keep busy. A packed schedule for me means I maintain control over my life.

My father died in February. When I got back from the two weeks I spent in Boston, the life that I had built in Austin seemed like a blur. Everyone cautioned me to take it slow. I was told to ask for anything I needed from many friends and acquaintances. But then it seemed like time to get back to work, time to get back to the hustle and bustle of my life, to move on. So I did. I'm busy again.

The thing is, I don't know that I've totally healed the wound my father's death caused in my heart. And I'm not sure how to fix it. I've tried to ease up on my schedule but sitting around just makes me sad. I pray. I talk about it with my boyfriend. But I just don't feel the same. I just don't feel like I'm all there. I'm just going through the motions. I feel kind of numb. And I'm not sure what my next step is.

And that never happens to me.

just breathe

I haven't written anything in here for a while. I think I set the bar too high. I feel like everything I write in here has to be BIG and life changing. It doesn't. I'm embarking on a real life. Real life has a tendency to cause many hurry up and wait scenarios. So while my life is busy, OH MORE THAN BUSY, I still feel like it's not important enough to blog about. What's my angle?, I think. But I have no angle. I am just trying to make this life I am leading the life I always wanted it to be.
Look, I'm getting overblown again. How self-important I am.
This is my day - the email is down at my office so I am sitting here waiting for something to do. I have a workshop on Silence and Tension in Improv right after work and then I have the final rehearsal for my sketch show The Neighborhood later tonight. I am busy. I've been stressed about The Neighborhood but tonight I'm calm as a cucumber. This is it. It's all going to be OK.
And I'm kind of glad not to be learning some kind of big life lesson today. Cause I've got lots waiting to hit me.

eventually there will be a wedding to plan

I am lucky. I have found the man who is my soulmate. I am super uber sure he is THE ONE. We have discussed marriage many times. But now, it's become more serious. We've decided on a location and we've discussed colors and food and decorations. We're planning this wedding. We're not actually engaged yet but I'm not particularly worried about that - some etsy jewelry designer is making the ring right now - I'll get it when it's the perfect time. And it'll be a lovely day when I do. We will be happily married til death do us part. The only thing I'm worried about is the wedding - the planning, the paying for it, the opinions of everyone else around us about what should happen and how it should be celebrated.

Let's be clear, I am not one of those girls who sat up nights planning a wedding before she ever met a man. I never thought I'd get married. I had reconciled myself that I was not going to have kids. Chris was a surprise. This party is a celebration of that surprise. And while yes, I want help, LOTS AND LOTS of help, I don't want any negativity to be thrown in the direction of this party that Chris and I have brainstormed and created. This is our pièce de résistance. At least, it will be until we have a little ginger kid.

Chris and I spend our lives creating events for other people, making it the most fun, most fabulous event they've ever experienced. And it all happens without a hitch. Because we KNOW what we're doing. We're the BEST people for this job. Thankfully, Chris and I share the same ideas about simplicity and saving money and planning ahead. With all the discussion we've had, we pretty much have the whole event planned out. I just don't want to talk to people about it. For some reason, it makes me uncomfortable to chat about colors and dresses and the order of attendants. I don't want to be one of those girls who talk about nothing but their wedding. I don't want to get overwhelmed with pressure from family members or friends about how I'm not doing the right thing, or the best thing. I just want it to be easy and smooth. How do I politely tell my women friends and my family members that I don’t want to hear their opinions on what flowers I should have, or the best veil, or the most appropriate seating position? How do I tell them that this event is MINE and I have it totally under control? And most importantly, how do I keep it under control?

I'm just waiting for the other show to drop.

Ok, so full disclosure: I was listening to some Lady Gaga last night. And it occurred to me that I don't have much of a poker face. I'm like an open book. My face reveals everything that I am thinking. While my voice still holds sarcasm in it leftover from my Boston accent, my heart is gentle and sensitive.

I have had my share of hard lessons, moments that have caused me to lose faith in humanity. I have had people I thought were my friends steal from me. I have had bosses berate me and then lie about it to their superiors. I have been stood up and forgotten about by more dates than you've ever had in your life. I have had paid gigs fully scheduled and when I showed up ready, I was told they didn't need me anymore.

Just the other day, I was chatting with coworkers about the state of the world. We all have trust issues. I give people three chances to be a good friend to me and most fail. I keep receipts as if they'll protect me. I'll even go so far as to say I don't trust the government anymore. The oligarchy in DC doesn't work for the people anymore and some day we're all going to have to pay for it.

All I'm saying is, I wish I had a thicker shell to protect me from such things.

my first post

I just turned 33. And on that day (July 5th), I started talking about how it was my Jesus year (a crude reference to the last year of Jesus's life). If all I got was 33 years to live and this was my last year of life, how would I live it? And then, because I overthink pretty much everything, it occurred to me that, like most things religious, this could be taken as a metaphor. This year is the last of my childhood. Many of you with husbands and children might laugh at that; your childhood was gone long ago. But I am not married. I do not have kids. I have been working to create a life for myself for all of my adulthood, all 15 years of it. I have been developing my sense of self and my idea of a perfect lifestyle for ME. I am probably going to be married soon (no ring yet but we're talking about it) and eventually I'll have kids of my own. My sister and her husband and three kids are considering moving to Texas. My worldview is changing. The world I know is coming to an end and a new chapter of my life will begin. And I need to figure out how to reconcile this new beginning with the details of my current life that I like and want to keep. I thought a blog would be a helpful tool to keep track of my life lessons this year. Wish me luck!