woe is me

a note to the reader: this is a story I tell often to illustrate to people that I have always been a dramatic crazy person. in a fun way. I do not remember this story. this is how it was told to me.

I was about 5 years old and it was time for me to go to bed. I had been enjoying watching TV with my parents in the living room but now, it was time for me to go to bed.

My dad put me to bed, tucking me in like he did so many nights after that.

And then I came back down and sat down to watch TV with them, hoping they would not notice the young girl that had joined them in the room. Unfortunately, I was not as invisible as I would have liked and was brought back to bed.

This same thing happened again and again. I came downstairs right after they put me to bed. The first few times, they thought it was funny. I'm sure their amusement egged me on (I was not so different then). On the 4th or 5th time, they got mad and my dad spanked my bottom up the stairs back to bed. I cried. I screamed.

And then, I emerged at the top of the stairs. I descended a few steps, close enough to my parents that I had their attention. I sighed loudly and dramatically and put the back of my hand to my forehead and exclaimed, "Woe is me!" I made a show of myself as I flounced down the stairs into the room, hoping my melodramatioc antics might allow me a few more minutes in front of the tube. They did not. I received a raised eyebrow and was told I needed to go to bed.

I was brought back to bed again and this time, I stayed.

for the record

I don't like planning a wedding. I'd rather not. But I guess I have to. For the good of the family.

control FREAK

I am a control FREAK. I want to control EVERYTHING around me. I worry about things that are not even my responsibility! In all of my ventures, I am a worker bee and NOT the queen. I don't want to be the queen. The queens are doing everything fine on their own. But I worry. I worry and I try to do more than I can/should to "help."

Please. Tell me how to stop trying to control everything. Tell me how to stop my body from humming with tension and worry. Tell me I can TRUST people to take care of things on their own.

The job of a worker bee is IMPORTANT. Why can't I be satisfied with that?

Honestly, I would pray for guidance but I fear that praying to learn to let go is like praying for patience - a recipe for DISASTER. Aw man! Look at that, I can't even trust GOD to help me.

OK. OK.

Let go and let God. Isn't that what they always say? I'm gonna TRY. no, I'm gonna DO IT.

Pray for me.

he asked me to marry him

I always knew he would do something good. He's just like that. He knows how to create a good moment.

We had discussed the idea of marriage. We both wanted to do it. We both wanted to marry each other. So I knew it was coming at some point...but I didn't expect it to be this weekend. 

He mentioned that he wanted to go to the Downtown Aquarium for his last weekend in Houston. It's an aquarium theme park restaurant, with a restaurant, a ferris wheel, and various exhibits including a ride through the middle of a shark tank (which was cool). He had a fear of ferris wheels. He told me he wanted to conquer it. 

After dinner, we bought tickets for the ferris wheel and got in line. It was HOT. He was nervous. It was one of those ferris wheels in which the seats are not bucket seats but round carriages hanging from a pole in the center. We got in and he held tightly to the pole. I enjoyed the ride. I love ferris wheels. 

We got to the top: a view of downtown Houston to my right and a view of Highway 45 to my left. It was cool. 

"This view from the top is awesome," I said to him to get him to look around and be cool with ferris wheels. 

"We're at the top?" he asked. 

He looked around and confirmed and then crouched forward toward me in the carriage. He pulled a ring box out of his pocket. 

And the rest is entirely a blur. I can't remember the exact words he said to ask me. I can't remember exactly what happened. I don't remember the rest of the ride. I was overwhelmingly happy. 

And I still am. 

He is THE ONE. He is my soulmate. He gave me a GREAT story; he knows how much I appreciate that. 

my most embarrassing story

I was recently inspired by an embarrassing story written in the blog, It's Almost Naptime!! and I've decided to share my most embarrassing story. I have told this story over and over and I expect to tell it again.

Here it is:

In college, I got a part time job at Pappasitos, a Mexican restaurant located on Northwest Highway in Dallas, TX. I was a hostess. At this time, the uniform for the hostess consisted of a black wrap skirt and one of those frilly white tops that I guess is what Mexican ladies wore way back when.
It was a Saturday night and it was BUSY. I was the runner so I walked back and forth seating guests at their tables. It was the busiest part of the night when I was told to seat this family of five in a booth across the room from the hostess stand. If you've ever been to this Pappasitos, you'll recall how the restaurant is a wide open space; everyone can see everyone else.

I was halfway across the room with the family in tow, when the littlest girl tapped me on the arm.
"Miss," she said sweetly, "Your skirt fell off."

I stopped and looked down and yes, she was correct. My skirt had become unwrapped and was circling my ankles. I reached down to grab it and wrap it around myself before anyone else could see. I exchanged "oops!" glances with the family and asked the Dad if he could carry the menus while I fixed myself.

We all made it across the room and to their booth. The Dad handed out the menus. The little girl looked at me with WIDE eyes and asked, "Are you embarrassed?"

As I pulled the double knot of my wrap skirt tight, I looked at her, raised my eyebrows and said, "I don't have the time to be embarrassed. Enjoy your meal, y'all!"

Only after my shift was ended and I went home and told the story to my friends for the first time did I really feel the embarrassment. But I was comforted that it was a good story so I need not worry about it.

From that night forward, I safety-pinned my skirt together, just in case.

my total dream man

last night, while I was out at a writers meeting for my next sketch show, I received a text from my boyfriend that read:
"Watching the one couple chase each other AMAZINGLY across the floor reminds me of us...I truly wanna take dance lessons with you!"

And it made me SO HAPPY because I have always wanted to take dance lessons, especially with a partner. And now, my sweet soulmate is here and he wants to do that too!!!

I'm a lucky girl.

the roadmap to moving on

I get a little overwhelmed sometimes. This is kind of a new thing for me. I'm an active girl and I keep busy. And I mean BUSY. A full time day job PLUS I teach improv classes; I write/direct/produce sketch comedy; and if I'm lucky, I get a dinner theater acting gig. And then there are the social obligations. I'm rarely home. My cat, if he could speak, would attest to that. I like to keep busy. A packed schedule for me means I maintain control over my life.

My father died in February. When I got back from the two weeks I spent in Boston, the life that I had built in Austin seemed like a blur. Everyone cautioned me to take it slow. I was told to ask for anything I needed from many friends and acquaintances. But then it seemed like time to get back to work, time to get back to the hustle and bustle of my life, to move on. So I did. I'm busy again.

The thing is, I don't know that I've totally healed the wound my father's death caused in my heart. And I'm not sure how to fix it. I've tried to ease up on my schedule but sitting around just makes me sad. I pray. I talk about it with my boyfriend. But I just don't feel the same. I just don't feel like I'm all there. I'm just going through the motions. I feel kind of numb. And I'm not sure what my next step is.

And that never happens to me.

just breathe

I haven't written anything in here for a while. I think I set the bar too high. I feel like everything I write in here has to be BIG and life changing. It doesn't. I'm embarking on a real life. Real life has a tendency to cause many hurry up and wait scenarios. So while my life is busy, OH MORE THAN BUSY, I still feel like it's not important enough to blog about. What's my angle?, I think. But I have no angle. I am just trying to make this life I am leading the life I always wanted it to be.
Look, I'm getting overblown again. How self-important I am.
This is my day - the email is down at my office so I am sitting here waiting for something to do. I have a workshop on Silence and Tension in Improv right after work and then I have the final rehearsal for my sketch show The Neighborhood later tonight. I am busy. I've been stressed about The Neighborhood but tonight I'm calm as a cucumber. This is it. It's all going to be OK.
And I'm kind of glad not to be learning some kind of big life lesson today. Cause I've got lots waiting to hit me.

eventually there will be a wedding to plan

I am lucky. I have found the man who is my soulmate. I am super uber sure he is THE ONE. We have discussed marriage many times. But now, it's become more serious. We've decided on a location and we've discussed colors and food and decorations. We're planning this wedding. We're not actually engaged yet but I'm not particularly worried about that - some etsy jewelry designer is making the ring right now - I'll get it when it's the perfect time. And it'll be a lovely day when I do. We will be happily married til death do us part. The only thing I'm worried about is the wedding - the planning, the paying for it, the opinions of everyone else around us about what should happen and how it should be celebrated.

Let's be clear, I am not one of those girls who sat up nights planning a wedding before she ever met a man. I never thought I'd get married. I had reconciled myself that I was not going to have kids. Chris was a surprise. This party is a celebration of that surprise. And while yes, I want help, LOTS AND LOTS of help, I don't want any negativity to be thrown in the direction of this party that Chris and I have brainstormed and created. This is our pièce de résistance. At least, it will be until we have a little ginger kid.

Chris and I spend our lives creating events for other people, making it the most fun, most fabulous event they've ever experienced. And it all happens without a hitch. Because we KNOW what we're doing. We're the BEST people for this job. Thankfully, Chris and I share the same ideas about simplicity and saving money and planning ahead. With all the discussion we've had, we pretty much have the whole event planned out. I just don't want to talk to people about it. For some reason, it makes me uncomfortable to chat about colors and dresses and the order of attendants. I don't want to be one of those girls who talk about nothing but their wedding. I don't want to get overwhelmed with pressure from family members or friends about how I'm not doing the right thing, or the best thing. I just want it to be easy and smooth. How do I politely tell my women friends and my family members that I don’t want to hear their opinions on what flowers I should have, or the best veil, or the most appropriate seating position? How do I tell them that this event is MINE and I have it totally under control? And most importantly, how do I keep it under control?

I'm just waiting for the other show to drop.

Ok, so full disclosure: I was listening to some Lady Gaga last night. And it occurred to me that I don't have much of a poker face. I'm like an open book. My face reveals everything that I am thinking. While my voice still holds sarcasm in it leftover from my Boston accent, my heart is gentle and sensitive.

I have had my share of hard lessons, moments that have caused me to lose faith in humanity. I have had people I thought were my friends steal from me. I have had bosses berate me and then lie about it to their superiors. I have been stood up and forgotten about by more dates than you've ever had in your life. I have had paid gigs fully scheduled and when I showed up ready, I was told they didn't need me anymore.

Just the other day, I was chatting with coworkers about the state of the world. We all have trust issues. I give people three chances to be a good friend to me and most fail. I keep receipts as if they'll protect me. I'll even go so far as to say I don't trust the government anymore. The oligarchy in DC doesn't work for the people anymore and some day we're all going to have to pay for it.

All I'm saying is, I wish I had a thicker shell to protect me from such things.

my first post

I just turned 33. And on that day (July 5th), I started talking about how it was my Jesus year (a crude reference to the last year of Jesus's life). If all I got was 33 years to live and this was my last year of life, how would I live it? And then, because I overthink pretty much everything, it occurred to me that, like most things religious, this could be taken as a metaphor. This year is the last of my childhood. Many of you with husbands and children might laugh at that; your childhood was gone long ago. But I am not married. I do not have kids. I have been working to create a life for myself for all of my adulthood, all 15 years of it. I have been developing my sense of self and my idea of a perfect lifestyle for ME. I am probably going to be married soon (no ring yet but we're talking about it) and eventually I'll have kids of my own. My sister and her husband and three kids are considering moving to Texas. My worldview is changing. The world I know is coming to an end and a new chapter of my life will begin. And I need to figure out how to reconcile this new beginning with the details of my current life that I like and want to keep. I thought a blog would be a helpful tool to keep track of my life lessons this year. Wish me luck!